An open letter to Queen Elizabeth
I’m writing to tell you that you can have back this country we’ve been calling the “United States.” As it turns out, there’s nothing united about it. It hasn’t been this divided since Fort Sumter. If you’ve been reading our news then you know that America is split pretty evenly down the middle in terms of politics: 50% Democrat and 50% Republican. That means that about three contrarians in the middle can swing any election to one side or the other (google Ralph Nader).
But the actual divide in America isn’t really political: it’s philosophical, economic, and cultural. I know you’re busy being a monarch and always have a lot of family stuff going on, so let me explain why I want you to take this failed republic back.
When I was growing up, they taught us in school that America is a democracy. I thought I knew what that meant, a government for the people and by the people, but since it hasn’t turned out like that, I looked it up to be sure I understood the term “democracy”…
A form of government in which the supreme power is vested in the people and exercised directly by them or by their elected agents, characterized by formal equality of rights and privileges; common people of a community as distinguished from any privileged class…
Wow. That is such a great idea, but in America, nothing could be further from the truth. Oh, we have elected agents, but they are the privileged class, and they work for the equally privileged, not for the common people. And the weird thing is that the common people don’t seem to mind. You’re probably envying that right about now, since a bunch of radicals left England, swiped a big chunk of land from some Indians, called it home, and told your predecessors to leave them the hell alone.
Those folks that left England on the Mayflower? They said they were seeking freedom to worship their God however they chose. After they won that little revolution, they drew up a constitution to establish some principles to guide a nation of free people. It said that, here, all men were created equal. That also turned out to be a lie. In America, only certain people can marry, only certain people can get health care, only certain people have access to the halls of power. Our legislators have been bought and paid for by big corporations and mega-rich religious zealots who are well on their way to creating a national religion (I know, the constitution says we won’t, right?) and nobody seems to mind.
The concentration of power into the hands of a few and the vast division of wealth in America make jolly old England, with its relatively benign democratic monarchy, start to look pretty good. We separated from your country, stole a new one, set up what should have been an ideal system of government, and it failed—utterly. The whole world hates us, and it’s no wonder: we are a nation of hypocrites. We like to tell the rest of the world how to run their countries, when we can’t even run our own. We start wars in the name of democracy when what we really want is oil, and we sacrifice the blood of our own young men and women to do it. And nobody seems to mind. At least you have decent healthcare for everybody.
The Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave has turned into a nation of homophobic, racist, misogynist, anti-intellectual, terrified sheep who are too lazy to do anything other than hand over power to hateful, power-hungry, greedy demagogues. Compared to taking over India or some rather pretty islands, you’d probably find ruling this bunch a walk in the park. Just don’t use big words when you talk to them.
So, Elizabeth, what do you say? Will you take us back? Pleeeease?